Coward Parents Create Growing Monsters

“I don’t want to discipline my kids.” “ Life is too short to spend it nagging kids.” “ We need to have fun. I want my kids to like me and know I’m their best friend. That won’t happen if I make them do chores.” “I don’t want my kids to be unhappy having to work doing chores because they’re just supposed to be kids.” “Kids will take care of themselves. They don’t need me harping at them. They’ll just take it out on me.”

Parents who utter poor excuses for not disciplining their children are cowards. Their cowardice causes their children to not be liked, keeps others from wanting to be around their kids, short-changes the potential of self-discipline children need for their own maturation and success in society, and worst of all, causes people to react negatively to their children who need encouragement for valued behaviors instead of discouragement for disruptive behavior. Kids with this background will do many destructive activities for attention getting and rebelling against those who do not help them contain themselves. Underneath it all, they want to be cared for and GUIDED, develop a conscience, and feel good for the right reasons.

Too often people confuse freedom of spirit and need for self-discipline. A child can be free-spirited without causing harm to self, others or relationships. There is a time and a place. Kids yelling and walking on top of the dining room table is not freedom of expression. It is damaging behavior and can be unsafe.

Children without a conscience are growing in numbers, so says the research. Seems like they should look at some stats on the number of growing parental cowardice.

Prosti-Tots on the Rise?

The popular bad girls are hitting the media almost daily. Whether panty-less or collapsing in a hallway, it seems any and every act is sacred to the media. Meanwhile, overexposure (pun originally not intended) to the prosti-tot gurus, Paris, Lindsay, Britney and Nicole, young girls are picking up the signals that private parts are public domain.

What other lessons are being relayed from these celebs who are addicted to getting attention regardless of the trade? Hmmmm. Just that and more. As long as the photographers are capturing it, anything goes. Nothing is sacred and having immediate gratification is especially addicting when being publicized in the short acts.

The saddest part? The culture is buying it, supporting it, encouraging it. The media has donned these power crazed limelighters as the role models for our younger generations. How sad. Not only will so many of our youth miss out on the advantages of being children, but teen pregnancies have a much better chance to rise to new heights.

Special note to parents: Every time you allow your child’s access to media that supports irresponsible role modeling, you invest in your child’s training in that vein.

Bloody Wounds and Happy Kids

Developing my program and expertise to teach children Self-Help Skills began at home. When our children were babies we would hold them when they cried and take exaggerated slow deep breaths, speak in a calm voice, and hold them. Elongated ahhhhhhh’s and melodic sighs permeated painful times.

As toddler days approached, falling down and scraping a knee was a perfect opportunity to breathe slowly and deeply while guiding child to do the same. Simultaneously, we would look at the wound while continuing to be in control of breathing deeply, and encourage by complimenting what a great job she/he did with pain control. When the children grew older, self-management of scrapes and bumps became evident in daily activity. Our son, when twelve, told the dentist “no thanks” to being numbed with medication for a tooth filling. The dentist was so impressed with Darion’s skill that he discounted $50 from the bill! Darion was quite pleased to help out the family in that way and felt very good about his accomplishment, although he admitted he wished he’d been handed $50 instead!

Smelly Pajamas Great for Kids

While working out of the home, doing homeschooling for eight years and authoring books, speaking/training, hosting TV series for kids, it was essential to travel on occasion overnight. When our children were young, they would terribly miss my presence. I found that it was soothing to sleep in two different flannel nighties before departure date and leave one for each of them to sleep with. It was their idea. They reported being able to “smell me” and felt like they were getting a hug from me if they slept with pajamas I had slept in.

No one else has ever valued my smelly flannel nighty. Funny what makes a mom feel special!

Awards for Pooped on Parents

In general, there’s no paycheck for being pooped on, vomited on, peed on and slobbered on, and it is not a fun experience. Absolutely no evidence of immediate gratification arises when cleaning any of it up save for the fact of cleaning it.

Awards have always been alluring. Blue ribbons, gold statues, framed acknowledgments. Being a parent is award-less but filled with intrinsic rewards. It is truly an HONOR to be a parent. It is nothing less meaningful than Julia Roberts accepting an Oscar for her diligent on screen work. Parenting, although not glamorous, is noble in its tiring efforts and humbling in its state of unconditional loving and being loved. The honor embraces the highest degree of trustworthiness, holding another’s life as more sacred than oneself. It is inspiring to reflect on the undying determination to do the best possible job without having a prep manual or any written guarantee that anything will work. Parenting is nothing short of a miracle in constant motion. The honor IS the award. Give yourself a back-pat award every time you get soiled from your baby! Any parent who ‘gets’ this is on the right track.

Child Slavedrivers Make Racists Look Good

Slaves come in different colors, sizes, shapes and make their marks in history’s timeline. In this accelerated twenty-first century, spoiled kids who have everything done for them are the slavedrivers of their parents. Racists are kinder to their prey than slavedriving children to their caretakers.

Children who are ALLOWED to slavedrive their parents make a world upside-down and topsy-turby to the wholesome dynamics of what family life is supposed to provide for the maturation process of both children and parents. This sets a stage for future confused citizens who can’t carry their weight in healthy relationships. Manipulation and self-centeredness are far too appetizingly addictive to be replaced.

Self-actualization and a sense of responsibility through community living in family life canNOT occur when parents allow their children to hold them in slavery. No one is free to grow and develop fully when this occurs. Future relationships will suffer as an inheritance of unbalanced life perspective and self-centeredness reign in the mental/emotional framework of children who do not know the pure joy of working together with proper guidance from their parents. What’s more, home life is not satisfying or fulfilling with these circumstances to parents, children, relatives or neighbors. More often than not, these patterns create a living hell as the art of manipulation replaces appropriate role modeling and healthy interaction that would normally keep a check-and-balance on what is right and what is wrong. We’re talkin’ miserable parents and kids who others don’t want to be around! Would YOU want to invite slavedrivers to your kids’ party?

Movie Stars’ Kids Are Suffering

by Janai Lowenstein, M.S.
(c) 2007

Lots of hubba-bubba about the new babies in Hollywood have minds reeling and judgments spinning out of control. Fame and wealth draw attention, it is true. But they do not give the stamp of guaranteed intrinsic happiness to the children of movie stars, regardless of how many toys, fancy clothes, and nannies many of them have. Unnecessary lifetime suffering can result from material wealth minus parental love.

Let’s set aside the fact that we’re all human and have our individual life lessons to process and attain. Set aside fame and wealth. Look at the fact that couples like Jolie/Pitt and Cruise/Holmes WANT their children. That is the first key to a healthy family life, regardless of house size, location and décor budget. Then consider that both of these families are protective of their children and WANT to spend time with them. Just see it for what it is. And if you understand the importance of the institution of the family being successful and serving as a nurturing force on our wonderful but needy planet, be glad these couples are giving a positive boost to good care and loving attention for their children.

Thanks, Angelina and Brad, Tom and Katie, Reese Witherspoon, Will Smith, Meryl Streep, and a host of others. You are helping the planet, the institution of the family, the future of your children and many others! Your positive influence on quality time with your children is creating a new bright wave.

Medicine Unclogs Dad’s Constipation with Kids

By Janai Lowenstein, M.S.
(c) 2007

Some troubled child clients had great difficulty communicating with their dad. Of course, each of their troubles stemmed primarily from the struggle in the paternal relationship. Dad hadn’t solved his own ill issues and passed them onto the kids. A blinding concrete wall stood between parent and children. He wanted me to “fix” them.

Total resolve of the children’s issues was impossible without healing changes in the family system. That meant the father figure was in for some group session work with the children. Opposed but present, it appeared to be a formidable task to open lines of communication.

I knew exactly what medicine this dad and his kids needed. Balloons. I designed some games for them to play together in my living room session. Soon they were laughing and playing together. Hearts, minds and a door opened and we pursued a path with skill building based on fun times together. Success. Fun medicine unclogged their constipation, gave them common ground and good feelings together to BUILD a new relationship.

Mother Screams like Wild Banshee in Grocery Store

by Janai Lowenstein, M.S.
(c) 2007

Two ends of the parental spectrum blared out at the grocery store. A frustrated mom yanked her preschooler, screaming at him to leave things on the shelf, slapping his bottom and dragging him as he wailed to the cashier stand. Two minutes later a different mom in a different aisle stooped down, speaking to her precocious preschooler at eye level, explaining why it was not acceptable to run in the store, then asking if the child understood. Seeing an answering nod, she held the child’s hand and guided her calmly with a firm sense of direction through the store.

A menagerie of images flooded my mind, fast-forwarding into each child’s future. The first child’s coming years were entangled and muddy. The second child’s future had a sheen and clarity, giving it the brightness of hope, understanding, connectedness and success. Both moms and their children appeared to be from the lower economic spectrum. Both children will have very different lives, their futures not dependent on a wealthy financial background but rather on intrinsic value or lack thereof. One child’s mind will be expanded from the store experience and the other will be twisted in degradation, anger, humiliation and lack of self-control. One child will know the experience of being respected and how to respect. She is building a conscience while feeling connected to her parent. The humiliated child does not know forgiveness, and has mixed messages about being loved.

To Begin is the Beginning

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